I’ve been realizing something lately. I’ve been confusing humility with fear in my life. I often self-sabotage when it looks like something great is getting ready to happen, especially when it comes to my health and solo career.
Right now, I’m carrying a solid 20 pounds of extra weight – at least. I know it’s extra weight because I’ve lost it easily in the past, just by making simple changes in my diet. I’ll make those changes, see great results, then gradually return back to poor habits and gain it all back. Perfect exempt, 3 years ago I fasted from sugar for 6 months and lost 25 lbs. Clearly, my body was telling me that it wasn’t reacting well to the amount of sugar I was eating (I LOVE sweets, esp. red velvet cake). What did I do, I went back to my daily coffee/banana bread combo (plus lots of other desserts) and gained it all back! Self-sabotage.
Last year I took a 3 month fast from wheat, during which I discovered that I have a wheat sensitivity that my body was just coping with for years. The health improvements were so clear (lost weight, acid-reflux issues gone, mental focus sharpened, etc.) that I decided to cut wheat out of my diet entirely. My body quickly adjusted, to the point where if I accidentally eat wheat it really jacks me up. I know if I severely cut back on the sugar right now, combined with the wheat-free diet, that my body would naturally gravitate to the healthiest version of myself.
On the music tip, a really cool magazine contacted me about doing a profile feature on me. I was excited and honoured, but I didn’t respond. They followed up with another request and I finally responded. They emailed me some interview questions and I answered, but struggled to press “send” – thinking, “Am I ready for a new audience to hear me?” I pressed send. There’s been a few other great opportunities presenting themselves as well, and I’m struggling to follow through.
I know many would describe my lack of desire for fame and washboard abs as “humility” (and possibly “stupidity”) – but I’ve learned to call it what it truly is, FEAR.
Fear that things will change. Fear that becoming the best version of myself will mean seeing less of the people I love. Fear that Biggie Smalls’ “Mo Money, Mo Problems” is true. Fear that success will strain my marriage. Fear that if I let people hear how I truly hear music inside, they’ll dismiss it as weird. Fear that I’ll let others down. Fear of failure. Fear that success and notoriety will change me for the worse. Fear that praise and accolades will result in pride, driving a wedge between me and God. Yep, lots of fear.
Now that I’m seeing it more clearly, I’m determined not to let fear direct my life. I don’t want to reach the end of my life and wonder what would’ve happened if I’d taken more risks. I’d rather shoot for the stars, even if it means only landing on the moon. I don’t want to stand before God, not having fully utilized the gifts and talents that He entrusted me with.
So where does that leave me? Well…we’ll see, won’t we? 😉